Welcome to MTurk Crowd

Work on Amazon Mechanical Turk, learn from the best, and have fun doing it. Join the crowd today!

Sign Up

sad pandas support group

Discussion in 'Social Discussion' started by Eetha, Jan 12, 2016.

  1. mboone73

    mboone73
    Expand Collapse
    Delicate flower

    • Contributor
    • HIT Poster
    Joined:
    May 9, 2017
    Messages:
    13,233
    Likes:
    36,780
    Sounds like he has some unresolved issues with your mom's passing. Things might have gotten too serious too fast with his new girlfriend, and he decided to hit the self destruct button.
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    savvylabell likes this.
  2. mboone73

    mboone73
    Expand Collapse
    Delicate flower

    • Contributor
    • HIT Poster
    Joined:
    May 9, 2017
    Messages:
    13,233
    Likes:
    36,780
    That sucks, but better to find out now than when things get serious.
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    basketcasey, ducky and Jakey like this.
  3. Jakey

    Jakey
    Expand Collapse
    Green Bay, WI

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2017
    Messages:
    1,367
    Likes:
    3,672
    yeah i agree.
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
  4. Jaded

    Jaded
    Expand Collapse
    The real themildone

    • Administrator
    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2016
    Messages:
    43,853
    Likes:
    114,467
    .
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1604 Jaded, Aug 7, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 9, 2018
  5. themildone

    themildone
    Expand Collapse
    the real Jaded

    • Contributor
    • HIT Poster
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2016
    Messages:
    15,612
    Likes:
    34,477
    oh man, I'm so sorry :( You definitely made the right choice. Stay strong :hug:
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    Jakey, ducky and savvylabell like this.
  6. savvylabell

    savvylabell
    Expand Collapse
    wut?

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Messages:
    3,823
    Likes:
    10,954
    When is going to be my turn.

    I’m selflessly helpful. You need me to take care of your dog? Yep. You need me to spend extra time getting that one item you forgot but your foot hurts extra bad today so you can’t get it? Sure I’ll be late to work. Oh you’re overwhelmed with paperwork? I am too but I’ll help you with yours. Oh you’re too depressed to cook? I worked 14 hours today but I’ll make us both dinner. Oh you need help cleaning the house even though you work half as much as me? I got it.

    Me entire life is “how can I help you more?”


    When is someone going to worry about how they can help me out?
     
    Daniel, jklmnop, sinon and 2 others like this.
  7. themildone

    themildone
    Expand Collapse
    the real Jaded

    • Contributor
    • HIT Poster
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2016
    Messages:
    15,612
    Likes:
    34,477
    I'm so conflicted. I've recently started getting back into church, but more so than I ever have been. I hate my situation with my boyfriend and ex (spoiler: I'm still legally married but have been separated/not in contact with him for almost 2 years). It doesn't feel right. And I want to marry boyfriend, but I also don't want to rush into anything. And I know it isn't 'right' (from most Christian perspectives) for me to be living with my boyfriend, but I can't tell if I feel guilty for living with him or if I feel like I should feel guilty. Does that even fucking make sense? Ugh.

    edit: I realize I probably sound like some kind of religious nut and I promise I'm not. idk. I don't think women should have to cover up and I don't think there's anything wrong with premarital sex as long as it's consensual, but at the same time I want to be a good Christian, if that makes sense? anyway...I'm not a religious zealot even if it might sound like it. Promise.

    edit 2: and I don't know who to talk about it with. Obviously the pastor or the pastor's wife, but of course they're going to tell me to get divorced and stop living with boyfriend until we're ready to get married. but I don't completely think it has to be like that, but is that just me being a bad Christian? ugh I'm so confused and anxious
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1607 themildone, Aug 8, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 8, 2018
    savvylabell and Jaded like this.
  8. Jaded

    Jaded
    Expand Collapse
    The real themildone

    • Administrator
    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2016
    Messages:
    43,853
    Likes:
    114,467
    The verse that helps me in similar situations where I'm unsure is this:
    Romans 14:23 But if you have doubts about whether or not you should eat something, you are sinning if you go ahead and do it. For you are not following your convictions. If you do anything you believe is not right, you are sinning.

    Now, I know that's talking about eating but to me it can cover a lot. If I convince myself something is a sin, and do it anyway, then to me it's wrong. Whether it was wrong in the first place or not. I'm not sure if that's helpful, I'm not trying to lead you either way as to whether what you do is right or wrong. It's just my way of sorting through thoughts of my own situations. (Granted I'm not divorced but I am not married and living with Fiance.)

    I don't think you're being a bad Christian. The versethat leads me the most, in being a Christian overall, is this:

    Matthew 22:36-40 New Living Translation (NLT)
    “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?” Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”

    As long as you're doing that, I don't think you can be a bad Christian.

    Sorry if this is an overly religious answer, It's just one thing I've put a lot of thought into.

    I relate to this
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    jklmnop, savvylabell and scrmcasey like this.
  9. themildone

    themildone
    Expand Collapse
    the real Jaded

    • Contributor
    • HIT Poster
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2016
    Messages:
    15,612
    Likes:
    34,477
    not overly religious at all. thank you :hug: I wasn't raised religious, other than being told "we're Christian" (no church, no talk about God or anything), so I'm still trying to figure all this out.
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    jklmnop and Jaded like this.
  10. Jaded

    Jaded
    Expand Collapse
    The real themildone

    • Administrator
    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2016
    Messages:
    43,853
    Likes:
    114,467
    I was raised pretty religious. I usually don't show it on the forum (not the time/place for it in the daily thread of course :p) but I'm still pretty much that way. If you have any questions I can try and help! PM me anytime and I'll answer what I can. :) :hug2:
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    jklmnop and themildone like this.
  11. savvylabell

    savvylabell
    Expand Collapse
    wut?

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Messages:
    3,823
    Likes:
    10,954
    Okay, this week is trying really hard to knock me down.
     
    Daniel and jklmnop like this.
  12. Metallica

    Metallica
    Expand Collapse
    Never free, never me

    • Contributor
    • Mentor
    Joined:
    Jan 17, 2016
    Messages:
    4,727
    Likes:
    11,828
    So a minor update..

    He doesn't believe that he's in the wrong for what he did. I confronted him about the whole "don't have any kids" thing and was basically told that he is willing to "stretch the truth" where necessary. I'll have to remember that I don't exist when he hits me up for alcohol, or a place to stay, or if he needs money to pay his phone bill.. but I suppose that won't be much of a problem anymore since I'm a state away from him.

    Something has definitely changed about him, and I feel like he may have turned to some form of drug. I'm really not sure how to begin with it. I've always looked up to him and have asked for advice from him regularly. It really bothers me that he's destroyed all form of credibility for himself in the family. The passing of my mom didn't seem to bother him so much at the time, so I'm not quite sure what's getting to him. He's aging quite fast and it pains me to see it. I unfortunately forgot that your parents age just the same as you do. So basically I just want to see this shitty situation resolve itself before its too late I still love him of course, but its hard to have any affection for someone who has done something as shitty as him.

    I want to help him, but I also don't. It just takes time for wounds like this to heal, I suppose. I want to get him some help from an actual professional, but he's the type of guy that could have his legs cut off and insist he's completely fine and doesn't need a doctor.
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1612 Metallica, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
  13. sinon

    sinon
    Expand Collapse
    Watashi ga Kita!

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jan 12, 2016
    Messages:
    3,013
    Likes:
    7,106
    The sad truth? For people pleasers like us, usually never*. :hug:

    Once people realize you will do and do and do for them, they will continue that pattern of asking for favors/help without blinking an eye at your life circumstances. Especially at work, where people will begin to expect you will do this and that - despite having a pile of your own work to do.

    The best advice anyone can give you is to stop. Tell these people they will need to find someone else to help them with their dog, errands, and paperwork.

    Next time you work 14 hours and are asked to make dinner, consider ordering delivery or telling that person to get in the kitchen if they want to eat. Don't cave if you really don't want to. Or pick something up on your way home if you know you'll both be too tired to cook.

    If they are feeling too depressed to cook, they could give you a heads up by text/call so you can make plans to pick up food or order in. And the cleaning thing has gotta be communicated too. I don't know this person, but there's a big difference in using depression as a crutch (dumping all the extra tasks onto your busy living partner/SO) and finding ways to accommodate it/function with it. If their depression is so debilitating that they cannot cook/clean/etc, then they need to get to a doctor and talk about their options. (Or at the very least look into supplements that help with depression - there are quite a few.)

    One person cannot do it all for everyone and still be expected to carry on like the energizer bunny. You've got to stand up for yourself and do you first. Kinda like on an airplane when the oxygen masks drop - you have to secure yours first before you help anyone else :)

    (Unfortunately, I give this advice because I've been there. I am a really nice person who will self-sacrifice and do for others until I have no energy for even myself. People will step all over that if you let them. And sadly, you can't depend on others to limit their 'stepping all over you' habits - you've gotta enforce it for yourself or you will always be someone's doormat...Long reply is long but I really wanted to help you out!)

    *unless boundaries are put into place and reinforced
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    jklmnop and savvylabell like this.
  14. ducky

    ducky
    Expand Collapse
    planned obsolescence

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2016
    Messages:
    5,375
    Likes:
    14,927
    :thinking:
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1614 ducky, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
  15. Blue

    Blue
    Expand Collapse
    Unlikeable Ass

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jan 11, 2016
    Messages:
    4,141
    Likes:
    13,119
    Are you familiar with the Stoic philosophers? Seneca, Marcus Aurelius, Chryssippus... etc...

    There's a concept in the stoic "toolbox" of sorts for dealing with expectation from ourselves and external entities. It's called Negative Visualization. Here is a pretty good article on the subject that explains it much better than I ever could.

    Magic of Expectations

    Edit: I realized I should give a little more context in case you have never heard of stoic philosphy. Here is a pretty good article about it.

    Stoicism In a Nutshell

    I also posted a lengthy list of philosophy books in this thread with breakdowns about who the philosopher was and what they wrote about. ALL of them may be of some use to you. You can find it very easily by searching this thread of the words Aurelius or Seneca
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1615 Blue, Aug 9, 2018
    Last edited: Aug 9, 2018
    jklmnop and ducky like this.
  16. ducky

    ducky
    Expand Collapse
    planned obsolescence

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2016
    Messages:
    5,375
    Likes:
    14,927
    :thinking:
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1616 ducky, Aug 10, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
    Blue and savvylabell like this.
  17. savvylabell

    savvylabell
    Expand Collapse
    wut?

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Messages:
    3,823
    Likes:
    10,954
    sorry for the delay. i couldn't response reasonably yesterday. I have a much clearer head today.

    that's the hard thing. these people never put up boundaries for me when I was needy. now the tables have turned. I do owe at least four people that triggered this post everything. I would have nothing that i treasure or that keeps me alive without them. it's hard debt to repay.

    the living partner is just a friend, but i'm such a painful empath i must take care of whoever needs care near me. Otherwise is triggers anxiety. a few friends of ours joke she needs a wife, almost true, but so do I.

    i want to be on even ground with people one day. it's hard when everyone i know gives everything they have to others as well. we never come up even.
     
    Daniel, sinon and ducky like this.
  18. savvylabell

    savvylabell
    Expand Collapse
    wut?

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 29, 2017
    Messages:
    3,823
    Likes:
    10,954
    without reading these philosophers i've started becoming more like this over the past few years (with certain people in my life) - mostly my family. I show up, I don't take to heart anything they say, I go about my life. My mother complained about how cold i've become. But I don't really care what she says, lol.
     
    Daniel, Blue and ducky like this.
  19. ducky

    ducky
    Expand Collapse
    planned obsolescence

    • Contributor
    Joined:
    Jul 19, 2016
    Messages:
    5,375
    Likes:
    14,927
    :thinking:
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature
    #1619 ducky, Aug 10, 2018
    Last edited: Sep 12, 2018
    basketcasey and savvylabell like this.
  20. Jaded

    Jaded
    Expand Collapse
    The real themildone

    • Administrator
    Joined:
    Jan 10, 2016
    Messages:
    43,853
    Likes:
    114,467
    * Jaded sighs.

    Dear Author of my Life,

    can we get to the happily ever after soon?

    love,

    Jaded
     
    Collapse Signature Expand Signature