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Discussion in 'Social Discussion' started by Eetha, Jan 12, 2016.
My latest Helpful Song for Sad Times
this dude has been through ALL THE SHIT and is the most hopeful depressed person I know of.
I've decided I was being ridiculous and dramatic. I have reason to be angry, but being angry does nothing but give me a headache. Instead I'll just snip that shit right out of my life and continue on about my business.*
I'll also make up increasingly ridiculous revenge plans for no other reason than to amuse myself.
edit: * I figure if I say this enough, I'll eventually mean it.
My mom is just so mean. I can't believe it took moving back near home for my eyes to be opened to this.
My cat's been really sick and since we don't have a car right now, I asked my mom Monday if she could drive me and kitty to the vet. I was already a wreck prior to this, because of kitty being sick, I didn't sleep well among other issues... Just felt like I was running on empty. Had shakiness from low blood sugar and all sorts of things. So right off the bat, my mom was accusing me of being "angry."
Anyway...My mom shows up two hours early. She wakes me up from a nap I needed. Cue me being super sleepy disoriented. I go open the gate, let her in. And at this time my bf was doing the dishes. My mom walks into our house and goes straight to the kitchen without saying even hello to him and pushes him aside so she can do the dishes. Then tells him not to get angry with her. Like you would a child.
I can't make up this level of crazy. She did this on a day she knew I couldn't react, because if I reacted, she could punish me AND my cat. Bf left and mom thought she had a victory over the dishes so I got her to leave them alone so I could do them. I mean...it is MY house. We should be allowed to clean up our own things without being parented. I'm going on 26 and bf is going on 33 so safe to say we've been independent for many, many years now...
Anyway... Kitty had to stay two nights at the vet. She still isn't home yet. I'm waiting on a call from the vet to see if they need to do another procedure or if she can come home. Then I have to call my mom again for a ride. I think we need to get our own car or something. Or try Uber, but living where I live, I'm a bit too nervous to try it...
I'm pretty sure my mom has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) and her outright abuse is extremely difficult to endure and tolerate. The house is in my name now so I could technically sell and move...but we've only just been here a year. I don't know what to do. It's been a whole night for me to sleep on it and I'm finding it hard to diffuse the tension
Anyone else have NPD family members?
Why did she even want to do the dishes? Just to say that you guys owed her something? does she live with you?
I'm pretty positive my ex-father-in-law has NPD. I don't want to get into examples because even though he isn't in my life anymore and hasn't been for almost 2 years, it still sends me into panic attacks thinking about him. My husband and I lived with him. I was always too scared to stand up to him (the one time I tried I actually ended up dissociating from the things he was doing/saying in retaliation, it was bad). I finally drew the line when he swung at me while I was holding my 4 month old. He walked outside and I locked him out and called the cops. I packed a bag and left about an hour later and never went back.
Honestly, if she's causing this much trouble, I think you need to consider cutting her out of your life. You don't even need to give her a reason. If you can, get a car, if not, might want to try Uber or something (carry a legal weapon if you think you need to). It'll be hard at first probably but it'll be more than worth it for your mental health.
Oh my goodness, I am so sorry to hear about that The situation sounds very crazy to be in, especially if/when it gets physical. I'm really glad you got out of that for both you and your child. Unfortunately people with NPD, they see everyone as objects or extensions of themselves and can only think of themselves. They are massively unqualified to be parents because of the abuse they can inflict, which can be so disguised that people might not even recognize they're being abused until it's too late... which is unfortunately my story now. My grandmother passed on and gave me this house I'm living in now. It's in my name and everything, but alas...if I had known what I know now, I probably wouldn't have moved down here.
My mom is, in my opinion, obsessed with infantilizing me. It's what people with NPD do to those they want to be codependent on them. She's tried to make me feel like I am incapable of taking care of things on my own and only she can do it "for me." She always wants to come up and do housework and yard work for us and I am always telling her no. Thankfully, she does not live here with us, but when she comes over (sometimes completely unannounced) she tries to parent me all over again.
I agree with you 100%. We're going to have to figure something out to relinquish the last bit of "help" we may need from her, then after that, I need to figure out how to cut contact or keep it is a minimal as possible.
(oh and did I mention there is no setting boundaries with NPD people? )
Oh yeah, I recognize all of that. It's so hard to deal with. I hope you're able to figure it all out soon.
my child is currently on minute 27 of tantrum the likes of which I've never seen. He's screaming, kicking the walls, throwing stuff. All because it's nap time and he doesn't want to take one (even though he obviously needs one). When can I tap out?
My mother, as well. Every "nice" thing she does reeks of shame and guilt. Oh and heaven forbid I say no to some help. I mean, wow, what kind of an asshole says no to help, right? Cue the pity party pouting episode for the rest of the day. How ungrateful I am.
Yep, and she lives with us and babysits my daughter so I can work full-time so I CAN'T SAY ANYTHING EXCEPT THANK YOU WHICH I DO ALMOST EVERY DAY.
Daughter will be going to daycare as soon as we move out, probably about a month from now IF THERE IS A GOD.
(I'm okay, really. Felt good to vent.)
I can totally relate to that. They try to force their "help" onto people who don't want it, and then accuse them of being angry or project onto them when they aren't given their way. It is really like dealing with a two year old...and it kind of is, because people with NPD are psychologically trapped at the age their trauma made them go all NPD in the first place...but that doesn't justify the abuse UGHHH! (It really does feel good to vent lol.)
You are a strong person. I don't think I could live with my mom anymore. I will cross my fingers that you are able to get moved away from that bs...NPD is no joke. That month will trickle by and hopefully then you and your family can have some peace! You should not have to smile and say thank you for abuse
Pretty sure my mother as well. The world revolves around her and only her. Everyone must bend to her will. The fact that I don't ask her for help constantly and don't spend all my free time with her is very insulting to her, and she makes me feel like a piece of garbage, constantly. Lots of fun.
I live far too close to her so my brother always tells me I blow it out of proportion (he has lived 8+hours away for 10 years...) So he doesn't understand. I really can't wait to move more than 10 minutes away to get space and minimize contact.
I'm sorry dear and I hope the kitty can get home soon.
I feel like I can't fucking breathe. Kiddo is currently asleep up against his bedroom door because I spent about 2 hours yelling at him to get back in bed before I gave up, so he posted up against his door so he could whisper yell at me under the crack of the door to bring him back his toy. Every single day is a constant struggle with him since my boyfriend was arrested. I know he's hurting, because my boyfriend is basically his dad and one night kiddo went to sleep and then the next morning he was gone and hasn't come home since, and I know that fucked with him, but god damn, he has destroyed/ruined so many things in the past week alone I just don't know what to fucking do with him. He has flooded the bathroom twice in the last 3 days, not to mention all the toys he's broken and the new stains on the carpet from him purposely spilling shit. Yelling doesn't faze him, and I've been trying spanking him (not something I usually do) and that isn't making an impact, either. I just want all this to fucking go away and my happy little family to be back together again.
After putting it off for way too long, I made a therapy appointment for next Tuesday. I get 5 free sessions through a benefit program so I hope this lady can work miracles and cure everything in 5 sessions.
Ughhh that sounds horrible
I think living a distance away can definitely alter perspective, so your brother just doesn't have a true idea of what's going on...Heck, It wasn't even until I moved back home, about half hour away, that I realized my mom has NPD. I can't imagine living ten minutes away and hope you can get yourself resituated soon
Thank you Kitty is coming home today <3
YAY KITTY <3 hope cuddling with you also helps kitty feel better.
And i have a job app in for a park naturalist position in my favorite little town about 4 hours away. crossing my fingers i atleast get an interview.
Today is one year since he first called off the wedding. I want to cry but can't. I want to bury myself into a bottle of wine but I work tomorrow. I feel like I am living a country song.
I've been out the house, climbin' them walls
Checkin' that calendar, exin' days off, hey
Hit another bar, call another friend
Throw a few down, tell the story again
Hey, hey, what can I say?
I can just lie and say it's all okay
Oh-ho, what can I do?
Been goin' through Hell gettin' over you
But it don't hurt, it don't hurt like it used to
No it don't hurt, it don't hurt like it used to
I'm finally gettin' out back into the world
Life is good, I'll marry a girl
She got a beautiful heart, eyes are blue
I don't hardly ever think about you, hey
Hey, hey, what can I say?
I can just lie and say it's all okay
Oh-ho, what can I do?
Been goin' through hell gettin' over you
But it don't hurt, it don't hurt like it used to
No, it don't hurt, it don't hurt like it used to
Sometimes I find peace of mind in a bottle of wine
Sometimes I break down and cry
She is home now and seems so much better. They diagnosed her with megacolon, which she developed because arthritis in her spine was pinching the nerves for her colon. I've got her a surgery scheduled for the end of the month, which I am hoping will fix her problem for good so she can live a long, happy life.
That's exciting! I will be crossing my fingers for you and hoping everything goes well! Definitely update to let us know what happens
eh, you can still care about her/her baby while still not talking to her. Don't feel guilty. You did what you needed to do keep your own sanity.
I thought I'd post this in case any of you are about to get on a plane or be stuck on a toilet for several hours, and need some appropriately long reading material.
I've been having to contend a little more regularly with depression and anxiety since last year, although I'd had a couple dalliances with depression and a couple of anxiety attacks in my life before that. Plus my mom has dealt with it my whole life, so I sort of knew what was up, in theory. I'd been working at a previous tech support job for almost 9 years and was getting fed up with it, and had been trying to get hired as an at-home advisor for Apple for the last couple of those years (working from home, taking phone calls to support people with iPhones, Macs, whatever).
I finally got the job, and it was a rough fit. It turned out that the combination of having interactions with friends and coworkers, along with plenty of time where I could focus on my work instead of having to actively deal with customers and clients, were really important for me. Apple was the total opposite of that, where I'd go an entire day barely leaving my bedroom, having no interactions outside of customers and a chatroom with coworkers. I didn't deal well with the pressure of all the times being measured (even though the grading wasn't especially harsh, just seeing all the timers and knowing the goals stressed me out), and of the queue just never ending. It felt like I was trying to fight the ocean.
All those problems combined with how much I had built up the job in my head sort of messed me up. I think I had pinned a lot of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction with my life in general on the job I had before that, so I felt like getting hired at Apple would fix everything for me. The letdown was rough, and I started self-destructing. Missing time whenever I could, snatching up unpaid flex time as much as possible, racking up attendance violations from calling out, never being able to sleep and eat when I needed to. Four months in, I had called out three days in a row before my weekend, then hadn't slept for those two days because I was so focused on having to work again, and I ended up having a really bad panic attack right as I was trying to clock in. I told my boss what was up, and the same thing happened the next day. I went on medical leave and set up an appointment with a therapist.*
Therapy reeled me in a bit and eventually helped me eat and sleep semi-normally, but it never helped me to overcome the panic of trying to go back to work there. After a few months, I had to throw in the towel and quit in January. I'm still not quite back to normal because of how much I'm on my own, and not finding a job. But I haven't had a panic attack in months, and I'm lucky enough to not be in danger of losing my house or having anything shut off due to savings and family helping out. It's just been hard to fight off the loneliness sometimes, and to fight off the guilt of not working - feeling like a burden, or like I'm not earning any happiness. It seemed like some of my closest friends were the ones who had the hardest time understanding what I was going through, so I've felt distant from some of them due to that. The difference between being sad and depressed, between being worried and an anxiety disorder, between not wanting to work and work making me feel like I was dying.
But the sort of happy ending here (aside from the anxiety getting better than it was at the end of last year) is that mTurk has been letting me be a little productive on my own terms, with pretty low pressure, and earn money that I can feel guilt-free about using to actually enjoy life. And even though I haven't posted a lot here, people have been very supportive, and it's a really thriving community that takes me back to some of my happiest times on the internet in the early/mid 2000s, posting on a Dark Tower forum and then spinning off into a community forum with a bunch of friends from there. So this has been a real bright spot for me lately, and I appreciate all of you for playing a part in that.
*This was one of the hardest things about the whole experience for me - Apple was amazing to me, my bosses were totally understanding and cared what was going on even though I was just some new guy, they gave me medical leave and paid for six therapy visits. The support for the actual job, and for me as a person, went way beyond anything I'd experienced anywhere else. It really sucked feeling like I couldn't pull it together and keep working there, since it was like I was allergic to working for a dream company.