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sad pandas support group

Discussion in 'Social Discussion' started by Eetha, Jan 12, 2016.

  1. Jaded

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    The real themildone

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    She's a shit person, you're obviously doing fine so far. I don't know what KTAP is but I know a lot of the SNAP workers i've worked with are total assholes who are so used to the people that try and cheat and whatnot that they are rude to the people that aren't. You're not horrible, and I've got a feeling if she's like that with you she's like that with all her clients so she won't know it was you. :hug:
     
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  2. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    KTAP is kentucky's version of TANF (temporary child support until they can get the absent parent to pay child support, basically). we're trying to file a complaint but can't figure out where to file it. we've already called the capital and they gave us a number to call but it was something totally unrelated. i'm kind of relieved because I don't want to file one because she'll know it was me :(
     
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  3. ducky

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    planned obsolescence

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    :dogger:
     
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    #1023 ducky, Mar 4, 2018
    Last edited: May 18, 2018
  4. themildone

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    happens to me on the regular. :hug:
     
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  5. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    I know I've been posting a lot lately. I'm sure you all are getting tired of my whining. Feel free to ignore, I just need to get this out somewhere even if no one reads it.

    My dad had stage 4 kidney cancer a few years ago, tumor the size of a grapefruit. Had it removed, he got cancer on his appendix the next year. Had it removed and he's been fine. We've been pretty sure his cancer is back, but he didn't have insurance. I just saw him yesterday for the first time in about a month and a half...it was so scary. My whole life, he was always muscular, looked like a stereotypical motorcycle dude. I've never seen him this bony and skinny. His shoulder bones jut out, and so do his elbows and knees. His skin color is...not good. The skin on his face just kind of hangs, and his eyes are yellowish. He looks so gaunt. I asked him to please go to the doctor (he has health insurance now) but he said no, he doesn't want to know what's wrong with him. With both of his previous cancers, he said he would refuse any dialysis or chemo/radiation. He's dying, that's pretty much obvious. But he isn't willing to do anything about it. He's given up, and I don't know if I should pressure him or not. On the one hand I obviously don't want him to die, but on the other hand, if he's absolutely made up his mind, I don't want to make him feel guiltier than he already does.
     
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  6. Jaded

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    The real themildone

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    First im so sorry youre going through this, its awful. Also You're not whining and we're not tired of listening :hug:

    I can't give you any advice on this, I've been trying to think of what i would do and I honestly don't know. Just know that we're here to listen and give virtual hugs and whatnot.
     
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  7. CrazyCatLady

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    My heart breaks for you! That's such a tough position. I feel like you should respect his wishes. I know that's hard, but he is the one that has to go through everything. But if you don't want to give up yet maybe bring his grand kid around a lot so he can see that life is worth living and fighting for.

    My dad died of a heart attack (he wouldn't go to the doctor - no insurance) and then my mom died of breast cancer (she avoided it for years and it was stage 4 before she got help.) If you need anyone to talk to let me know. My thoughts are with you. <3
     
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  8. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    I'm not going to pressure him any more. He watched his mom die from the same kind of cancer in under 6 months from the diagnosis, and he took care of her until the day she died (changing diapers because of the chemo, etc.) I know he doesn't want to go out the same way. It's just hard seeing him like that, and I don't know how much longer it's going to go on, you know? I hate to put it like that, but I kind of think...if he has completely made up his mind, I kind of hope it at least goes quickly. So he doesn't suffer as long. Is that harsh? I don't know what to think.
     
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  9. CrazyCatLady

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    Not harsh at all! I fully understand. I had to sign my moms DNR papers because she wasn't going to get any better. She was in pain. She wouldn't be the same again. Just support him and spend what time you can with him. Is he on hospice?
     
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  10. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    No, he hasn't been to the doctor at all in over a year, even though he's supposed to be tested for cancer every 3 months. He's still able to do things for himself as far as personal care, but he doesn't leave the house at all.
     
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  11. Delimon

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    I'm sorry you & your family are going through this. :hug:
    I would strongly suggest discussing palliative or hospice care with him again. Since he has a documented history of cancer and is technically still in the system if he's supposed to be tested, he may be able to get supportive, non-chemo care without a new formal diagnosis necessarily. I worked in outpatient oncology and a number of patients choose not to continue through chemotherapy treatment but get great support for pain, emotional well-being, and daily living. Palliative care can give him a better quality of life and support system without forcing the issue of treatment. It is similar to hospice but some patients prefer palliative because it doesn't have the exact same emphasis on the future. Hospice also tends to be more limited by time periods of insurance coverage.
     
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  12. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    I don't even know if his insurance would cover something like that, but he draws the max disability so he doesn't qualify for a lot of income-based stuff. Where would I even start looking for something like that? Through the hospital?
     
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  13. Delimon

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    A lot of insurance plans should - I know Medicare and a number of private plans do. If you know his specific insurance plan, contact them or check their site to see if it's covered. A hospital should also have a financial counselor who can tell you if it's covered. IME places with cancer centers usually also have palliative care, but they can refer you somewhere else if they don't.
    Organizations like this also have lists - not sure how inclusive it is. https://www.nhpco.org/
     
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  14. jan

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    just to peek back in.....he does need a dx to get hospice. So, it has to go through his MD (it needs to be a terminal dx).

    OTOH, they are great and this is great advice. They will give him pain meds - should he want/need them - and all the support he needs. I can't imagine ANY insurance not providing hospice. I'd really be shocked.
     
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  15. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    That's the thing, he doesn't want to deal with drs or a diagnosis at all. I'm going to suggest it to my mom and see what she thinks, but I really doubt he'd go for something like this.
     
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  16. jan

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    I think this will be harder for you (all). But it sounds like he has made his peace with what is happening. TBH, it's not a bad choice. I've had friends who struggled with treatment - trying anything they could. I don't know, this sounds quieter, less intrusive. Perhaps it is more in line with who he is - as a man. I guess it honors his life, you know?


    That doesn't mean that you or your mom don't need support. Why not call your local hospice and ask about groups? Or the local hospital. There are plenty of things that you will need throughout this - and it probably starts with information. They can really help:heart:
     
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  17. themildone

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    the real Jaded

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    I know he hasn't made his peace with it, just looked at him you can tell he's miserable (mentally). But he's also too scared to find out what it actually is, and I don't think that's going to change. I'm going to talk to my mom about palliative care and a support group, see what she thinks. thanks <3
     
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  18. Delimon

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    Yes you're right. I tried to make the distinction between palliative and hospice because his previous diagnosis of cancer may be enough for palliative care (where some do choose to continue curative treatment at the same time) but not for hospice (needs new terminal diagnosis).
    I do think if he goes in, @themildone@themildone, they will probably want to give him a new diagnosis but he could still refuse, and be referred to palliative. It's technically allowable, but certainly a gray area and dependent on localized policies. The support group jan suggested is a great idea. Best of luck.
     
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  19. Binxybaby

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    Anyone have some good tips on how to be more confident. I really want to be less of this anxious person that I am. Any good self help books?
     
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  20. Sondi

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    Goddess of soup

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    This one is kind of creative-related, but I really liked the book Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert - basically do what you love even though it's scary.

    Our identities get erased a little bit as moms (ok, a lot), but I find that learning something new can make a big difference in how confident you feel. Skills building always helps.

    Another thing I've been thinking about is why do I even care? Think about the stakes involved with what you're doing and adjust accordingly. What's the worst that could happen in this situation? Wear something crazy! Learn to sing! Tell people how you really feel about things (no grandma, I don't want this weird Precious Moments plate for my daughter's room)! Life's too short to moderate your behavior based on what other people might think of the real you.

    I don't have a lot of anxiety-related stuff except my mostly-mild/sometimes-moderate anxiety has basically vanished with daily exercise (also helps with confidence!). I use MommaStrong and the lady that runs it always has great life lessons along with the short workouts (abt. 15 mins a day).


    sorry if this is not what you're looking for - but I've been feeling kind of better lately so maybe some of this can help :)
     
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